Something From My Facebook Page I Wanted To Share Here, Plus Something More

Are they memories, or the delusions of my mind? So hard to say, and no one to answer... so I will pray that I make it through another day. I know God holds the answers and knows me completely, so I give it into His hands and remember Christ has the power to calm every storm.

Faith must trust in midst of turmoil, even if the turmoil is internal. God is greater than any trial, God is greater than any disease, God is greater than any person, and His love reaches out to each of us in our need. He sent His Son to save. Jesus became the sacrifice for sin in every life choosing to accept grace. His death, His blood, redeems. Christ's resurrection shows the great power of Almighty God and how very great a love He bestowed upon us in giving us a future hope. His Spirit abides with us, bringing us to acknowledge Christ's call upon our lives and then sealing us forever. No power can snatch a child of God from His grasp. Love enfolds us...

These things are sometimes hard to hold onto, but we are made strong through Him despite our weakness...

I stumble over words, but I pray God reveal Himself...


The following did not go on Facebook; I wanted to share it here first:

I went to Sunday School this morning, and it was Sanctity Of Life Day, which is a difficult day for me. Had I known that, I probably would not have gone. Someone said she could not imagine how anyone could have an abortion, and my heart broke all over again. My mind began to shatter as it always does when I think of choices I have been forced to make.

If you have read this blog much, you know my life has been a struggle and an adventure, but for those of you who are newcomers I am going to digress a bit. This is going to be sketchy, so if you have questions ask them in the comments.

I was once totally against abortion. I had to fight against it during my pregnancy with my wonderful son, Alex. I thought I might never have an opportunity to have a child, because I had wanted one for years, but never had one. When I got pregnant with Alex, I refused to terminate. He was born in 1988.

I had a miscarriage later, then in 1999 I became pregnant. I was carrying twin girls with Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome, which is a rare disorder where both babies share the same blood supply. Google it for more details… It rarely goes well. I was very sick all during the pregnancy and on bed rest. We knew the babies were developing at different rates and the neonatologist was very concerned. One day I went in for a sonogram and the smallest twin had died. The neonatologist recommended we terminate the pregnancy because the outlook for the remaining twin and myself was rather grim. I went home to make the hardest decision of my life.

Because there was no hope of a healthy baby being born and every indication that there would be severe problems for both of us, and because there was an almost certainty of losing the second baby, I chose to terminate. I cried, prayed, and suffered through agony. When we went in and her little heart was stopped, it nearly destroyed me. Then my ob-gyn refused to deliver the babies and told me to go to an abortion clinic. This was heartless and cruel of a highly respected doctor who serves politically. I did not want this outcome, but made the choice because of the health consequences. While devastated and emotionally in agony I had to try to find someone to deliver my twins. After two days, one of the other doctors in the ob-gyn practice had mercy on me and mine and delivered the girls in the hospital where I had hoped to have healthy babies.

I got treated with some respect for the grief I was suffering, but I felt overwhelming guilt. I continue to experience it. I doubt I made the right decision and wonder if the doctor could have been wrong. I hate myself for making a choice I feel only God can make, but I also know I was very sick and weak.

So I have come to believe there are circumstances where a woman may find herself almost forced to terminate a pregnancy… I am no longer totally against abortion. As I have often come to realize, life sometimes intervenes and brings unhappy choices. Not everything is always simple, there are gray areas.

I wish I had been strong enough to carry Katherine Rose to term, but after Melissa Faith died, and the blood was still flowing through her body as it decomposed, there did not seem any hope. I wish my babies had been healthy and I had born them. My life would no doubt be very different, but that was not the situation I was given. I made a tragic choice in a tragic situation.

Maybe others would choose differently, maybe I was wrong. I hope God can forgive me, and that perhaps my story can touch someone and make some hearts a little tenderer toward those who make hard choices in life. We are, after all, only human and prone to error.


We talked about the Sanctity Of Life on the other end, when caring for the elderly among us. I have dedicated the past thirteen, almost fourteen, years to the task. It is a hard job. My mother has a variety of health issues and I am her full-time caregiver. I, myself, suffer from Schizo-Affective Disorder, so am not without personal challenges daily. I will continue caring for my Mom as long as I can.


Sometimes, a little care and compassion can go a long way.

Always,
Jo Ann

1576 Words Toward NaNoWriMo, Still Behind

I have a warning for you all who are reading going forward, there are adult language, situations, and content in the coming pages. If you think this might offend you, you probably should refrain from reading the story. I think I will be able to write without being too explicit, but at this point I am not positive where the story will take me. I would think it could get by with a PG rating were it a movie, but it might possibly be R. I don't think I have what it takes to write X rated content. I did want to warn you though. There are also possible triggers for those who might have experienced abuse... As with all stories, you read at your own risk...

Otherwise Entertained (9)

One afternoon after coming home from work, Tony changed out of his brown uniform and put on gym shorts and a tee shirt. He suggested they go to a local burger place for something to eat before heading to Ramsey’s for the evening of gaming.

In the line for their orders, Morgan noticed several high school girls staring at Tony. She followed their gaze and realized his penis was sticking out of the leg of the shorts.

She leaned over to him and whispered, “Your parts are showing.”

He laughed, “It’s okay, I meant to do that.”

Morgan just stared at him a few moments incredulously. She wondered whom this man was she had married.

When they got in the car after the embarrassing moments spent eating, she suggested they go home for him to change before going to Ramsey’s house. She did not want to sit through whatever comments might be lobbed at them if the guys saw him that way. He agreed and they hurried to make it to the apartment and then arrive for the game on time.

Kelvin, Wagner, Jason, Max, Cade, and Ramsey were waiting and Morgan apologized for her and Tony being late.

Kelvin said, “Actually the rest of us are early, you two are almost always on time.”

She smiled at him, grateful for his kind remark.

In moments, they were embroiled in a battle with giant spiders and somehow Celeste was killed. Kaos put her on his horse and carried her back to town. The party tried to find someone to resurrect her, but they found they did not possess enough gold to buy such a miracle. Therefore, she was burned on a pyre and her ashes were scattered on the water of a river.

Morgan rolled a new character, while the others discussed the next adventure. She named the human magic user, Morgana, and rejoined the game. The rest of the evening, Kaos stayed near her, and Cornelius did not seem to mind.

Morgan wondered at Kelvin’s interest in her character, but figured since his Kaos was a half-orc and Morgana had an eighteen charisma score that it might all be part of the game.

After two hours of unrelenting game play, everyone packed up their stuff and went to the kitchen for snacks. Ramsey suggested they do something different since it was a full moon. He wanted to play a game of war in the wooded acreage surrounding the house. Evidently, everyone except Morgan had known about it beforehand, because they all simply went to their vehicles for flashlights. Tony went to the car and came back with one light. Morgan thought this would mean she was left out of the fun, but Kelvin went back out and came in with an extra flashlight.

Sawyer decided to join the rest of them and Ramsey explained if someone hit you with their light, you were dead. They divided into teams based on dice rolls. Tony and Morgan ended up on opposing teams. Kelvin knew the woods because he and Ramsey had been friends almost as long as they could remember. He told her to stay close to him.

Under the trees, the moon only dappled a portion of the paths. They all spread out and Morgan had trouble keeping up because she kept stumbling over roots. Kelvin seemed like he belonged in this environment as sure footed as a mountain goat. They had to keep their flashlights out so as not to draw attention to themselves and be killed. There were bursts of running and then times when they tried to move as quietly as ghosts.

After about an hour in the woods, a couple had been killed. Kelvin began to move again and Morgan followed. She looked away a moment because she thought she heard someone else moving nearby. She somehow managed to fall down a small ravine. Her ankle twisted and she gasped at the sharp pain, but she could not call out because it would mean being captured or killed by the other team. She waited, hoping Kelvin would realize she was no longer with him. After several minutes, she heard someone approach on the path above.

Kelvin said, “Morgan are you somewhere here?”

She whispered, “I fell down and hurt myself. I cannot climb out of this ravine. Can you help?”

Kelvin said, “Yes, I think I see you. Just be still and I will be down in a minute, but keep quiet, others are not far away.”

She waited, watching him carefully scale the slope. After he reached her, he helped her to her feet.

“I cannot put much weight on my right foot. It really hurts,” she whispered.

He turned on his flashlight and said, “Sit back down, but let me look at it. If you are badly hurt the game is over anyway.”

She pulled up the leg of her jeans and they both saw the ankle, which was already beginning to swell.

Kelvin leaned over her and said, “Put your arms around my neck and try to stand. I will take you in my arms and carry you back to the house.”

She began to protest, “It’s too far for you to carry me. I’ll…”

“Quiet now, it’s no problem. I have you. Remember, no man, or woman, left behind,” he said.

He slowly climbed the steep wall of the ravine. She was surprised he could carry her because he was rather thin and did not look very strong. When they got back on the path, he stopped.

He looked around and seemed to determine they were still alone.

“I’ve wanted to do this for quite a while,” he said and gently kissed her.

It was so sweet, and Morgan responded to kiss by returning it. She thought this was probably very wrong. In fact, she knew it was wrong, but now it felt totally right.

He gripped her body a little tighter and said, “We should get back, someone might wonder what happened to us.”

She said, “Yes, that would be best.”

After about fifteen minutes, they made it to the area where the cars were parked.

Tony, who they had killed earlier, appeared out of the shadows and asked, “Why are you carrying her?”

“I fell and twisted my ankle. He brought me back because I could not walk this far,” Morgan answered.

He laughed, “Oh yeah. I knew this was no game for a girl like you. I would have made you walk. You want to act tough, you can be tough.”

Kelvin set her on her feet near Katie and said, “Some sport you are, Tony.”

He headed to Wagner’s car and sounded the horn in three long blasts. Soon everyone appeared out of the woods.

Ramsey asked, “Why did you call off the game Kelvin?”

“That is what we usually do when someone is hurt. Morgan twisted her ankle falling down the ravine,” he replied.

Tony said, “Yeah, she cannot run with the big boys.”

Ramsey said, “Well, it was a good night and we can always do it again. You’re going to go get your books and things, aren’t you Tony?”

He said, “Sure,” and went into the house.

Kelvin asked, “Is he like this often?”

Morgan shook her head and said, “Sometimes, not usually where anyone sees it.”

Ramsey said, “That really sucks.”

Wagner spoke up, “Yeah, he should not act that way with his wife.”

When Tony returned, Kelvin said, “You should drive home. It would not be good for Morgan to do it. Do you have an ace bandage to wrap that ankle in?”

Tony answered, “Yeah, she has one from the last time she sprained something. I’ll get her home alright.”

Morgan opened the door and got in the car, when Tony turned on the ignition she rolled the window down and told the guys, “Thank you all for the great night. We will see you soon. Maybe Friday night at our apartment.”

Kelvin said, “Yeah, we will see you then.”

Tony drove home with the stereo blaring and did not even speak to her the whole way. When he parked in the driveway, he got out and went in the apartment leaving her in the car. She limped to the door and found he had locked it. She took her keys out of her pocket and unlocked it.

When she got inside she saw he had already went to the bedroom and shut the door. She silently thanked God that she had her keys. She sat down at the desk she had used for homework growing up and thought over what had happened.

She had not expected Kelvin to help her by toting her through the woods. The kiss had come as a total surprise, but she wondered if it would happen again. It was very special. She knew it should never be repeated, but she hoped it would be.

It was unusual for Tony to act so mean where others could see and hear it, but she was well aware he could be abusive.

She went to the bathroom and found the bandage to wrap her ankle. It was extremely swollen by now, but she hoped it was not broken. She went back to her desk, took out some paper, and began writing a poem. At least writing would keep her mind off the pain.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Monday, November 4, 2013

Otherwise Entertained (8)

Many evenings the group spent at Ramsey’s house, but other times they would meet at Morgan and Tony’s apartment. The space there was very crowded, but no one seemed to mind.

One evening, around 7:00, Kelvin, Ramsey, Wagner, Jason, and Cade came to visit. Morgan and Tony offered Olde English 800 Malt Liquor to the guys along with various other beverages. Kelvin and Wagner decided to have a sword fight out in the yard with their machetes, just to set the mood. Tony, Ramsey, Jason, and Cade chose to take their turns with the blades as well. Morgan watched their antics with a mixture of amusement and fear. She knew one wrong move and someone could be seriously injured. The athletic males finally decided to go inside.

Everyone was hungry after the exertions, so Morgan decided to fry some chicken. It was something she had never done before, but she guessed it could not be too difficult. Her mother had prepared it at least once a week for years. She did wish she had paid a bit more attention to how it was done.

The guys sat around drinking and talking on the bunk beds, turned couches, in the tiny front room. When the perfectly browned chicken was finished, she served it up with corn on the cob and green beans.

When Kelvin took a bite, he sputtered and cursed, “Damn Morgan, this chicken is raw! What the hell do you think you are doing to us? Are you trying to kill us, as you do in your world? I thought we were safe outside of EverMost! Damn!”

The others returned their plates to the counter. Morgan began to tear up, but she refused to let them see her cry. Although she was mortified by the horrible mistake she made, she did not want to have anyone go hungry.

She turned to Tony and whispered, “Pizza?”

He nodded and answered, “Sure, I’ll order.”

Morgan dumped everything in the trashcan without another word. She was grateful Tony was willing to make the call for pizza and pay the bill. Another disaster averted by his kindness. Everyone except Kelvin seemed willing to let the situation go. He kept glancing at her and shaking his head.

He finally commented, “If you can cook no better than that, you should stay out of the kitchen.”

She sighed and said, “That was the first time I tried frying chicken, but I will take your advice into consideration.”

The pizza arrived and everyone ate happily, seemingly willing to forgive the mess Morgan had made. When the boxes were empty, the group appeared satisfied.

Ramsey asked, “Ambazzar or EverMost, Morgan?”

Tony answered, “She has been working on an adventure for days, staying up late, doing drawings, and studying the books. I think we should try her world tonight.”

Kelvin said, “I hope it works out better than the chicken!”

Everyone, except Morgan, laughed and began arranging their gear for play. She smiled, thinking perhaps a little payback was in order. The dice rolled in the adventurer’s favor and they had a very fortuitous foray into the dungeon. Only Ramsey’s character, Garrison, was injured in the melee with kobolds. The group traveled back to the Sleepy Eyes Inn and retired for the night.

Ramsey had introduced Tony and Morgan to the music of Neil Young and she put the album, Live Rust, on the stereo. Everyone was in a party mood, choosing to stay late since it was a Friday night. Tony was off for the weekend, as were the students, and Wagner was not likely to apply for work until Monday. After another hour or more, Ramsey, Cade, and Jason told them good night and went home.

Sometime later, Tony suggested they go for a ride. Kelvin and Wagner agreed and loaded into Katie. Morgan drove to a stretch of highway where she could let the 472 engine run wide open. She managed to hit 100 before she got to the end of the road. As she slowed, blue lights popped up behind the car. She heard metal clanging together as the machetes were pushed under the seat. At that moment, she wondered why they brought those in the first place.

The police officer came to the window and she rolled it down, “Good evening officer,” she said as politely as possible.

“Good morning ma’am. Can I see your license and insurance please?” He asked.

She took the cards out of her purse and handed them to him. He walked back to his vehicle.

After several minutes, in which the atmosphere in the Cadillac became increasingly tense, he returned to the window.

He asked, “What are you all doing out here at this time of morning?”

“We were just out enjoying a drive, listening to music, and taking in some fresh air,” Morgan answered.

He said, “Well, this is a dangerous neighborhood to travel in. You all be careful and stay out of trouble.”

Everyone in the car answered, “Yes sir!”

They drove back to the apartment at much reduced speed. Morgan was thankful he had not searched the car because of the weapons and the open beer all the guys had been drinking.

When they got back, Kelvin and Wagner gathered their gaming things and drove away.

Tony went to bed and Morgan stayed up to clean up the remaining mess. The night had not been a total loss, but it was bad enough she was sure she would never forget it. She had learned a valuable lesson about cooking. Never try something for the first time when the results were important and open to criticism. She considered that several moments and decided the wisdom could also be applied to other aspects of life. She thought of how close they had come to getting in serious trouble on their drive. She was grateful things had gone no worse.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Sunday, November 3, 2013

PAD Challenge, Day 2, My Poem

Today’s prompt for the Poem-A-Day Challenge is to write a “news of the day” poem. I had not caught the news on television, so I went to Google News. I found little I wanted to read, but one article seemed timely…

They Did Not Tell US

Sometimes government
Gives citizens incomplete
Information or
Tells what appear outright lies;
Politician propaganda.

Everyone wanted
Improvement to the system,
But it was working
For many of the people;
Now it’s totally broken.

Some who were happy
With the coverage they had,
Now suddenly find
Their health plans being cancelled;
Replacements cost a fortune.

The outrageous fines,
The unneeded coverage,
Increased premiums,
Bank breaking deductibles;
Were never even mentioned.

Insurance reform
Was the promise as given,
But the cure seems worse
Than the symptoms of disease;
Affordable it is not.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Saturday, November 2, 2013

I hope I am overreacting. I hope it is not the disaster it seems, but I am concerned that we may all be in for worse than we have ever dreamed.

I Have Been Productive Today

Of course I stayed up all night, but I took a nap between 7:00AM and noon. During the dark hours of the morning I had a burst of creativity. I hope you will enjoy the following offerings…

Deserted

Wondering where you
Might be hiding on this night
When all the stars shine
With such brilliant clarity
Above this earthly coldness.

I have no chance to
See your face among the others
Lingering so near
Because you are now absent,
Doing whatever you do.

I wanted to reach
Beyond these four lonely walls
So I could somehow
Share in the wonderful life
You are so richly living.

I am totally
Lost among those few ignored
By your provision,
You are moving far away
Into tomorrow's distance.

Your greatest treasure
Alludes my outstretched fingers,
No effort of mind
Can make your goodness return
At this moment to grace me.

Wondering where you
Might be hiding on this night
When all the stars shine
With such brilliant clarity
Above this earthly coldness.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan 
Monday, October 28, 2013

I found these weeds attractive. I sometimes think God’s greatest creations grow wild.

 

Otherwise Entertained (6)

She lettered in chorus during her freshman, sophomore, and junior years. Before she completed high school in the first quarter of her senior year, she took a trip to Washington, D.C. with the chorus. There was a competition held there for groups from all over the country. Tony insisted Morgan go, even though she was hesitant to leave him.

The trip was memorable because she visited some of the highlights of the city. She wished the time spent in the Smithsonian Museum had not been very limited. There was so much to see. The Washington and Lincoln monuments were inspiring. When she sang in the National Cathedral, she found its glory overwhelming. The Capitol was gorgeous, as was the White House, but she was disappointed in the great mall. The litter everywhere detracted from the beauty of the area. 

She did not call home to talk to her husband often because long distance was so expensive. There was a dance, but she sat to the side in her royal blue dress, only watching the others. She was often left alone when her roommates decided to do something interesting. She shopped for things to take home to Tony and her parents. She found a tee shirt for Tony, a necklace for her mother, and a carved pocketknife for her father. She also bought commemorative postcards. Traveling by bus was not very pleasant, reminding her of the harrowing times she had spent on school buses through the years.

When she returned home, she and Tony celebrated by going out for steaks and drinks. Morgan loved feeling her husband’s arms around her again. She had felt uneasy while so far away. She belonged back where love surrounded her.

She thought of this trip when they were planning their vacation. She hoped to go back and take time to see everything Washington contained, but Tony wanted to go to Panama City as they had on their honeymoon. Morgan could not argue. She had enjoyed the first trip tremendously, except the motorcycle accident. She had scraped herself up quite a bit and chipped a front tooth. He did not seem to realize his recklessness had caused her harm. She hoped the vacation would be more relaxing.

They checked in to the Fontainebleau in the early evening after driving most of the day. She and Tony showered together, taking their time, before getting ready for supper. They ate seafood in the restaurant and then went swimming in the indoor pool. The full moon hung huge in the sky as they walked the sugar white beach. She gathered shells, even finding a starfish and a sand dollar. They only had three days and those hurried by like the seagulls flying over the ocean. She managed to avoid sunburn on her pale skin because Tony kept her slathered in Coppertone. She did the same for him because he also had a light complexion.

On the drive home, they narrowly avoided an accident because Tony fell asleep at the wheel. Morgan’s scream probably kept Katie from sustaining significant damage and might have saved them from injury as well.

She hoped this time she would be pregnant, but it did not happen. After all their lovemaking, it seemed a baby should result. She began to think something was wrong with her, even imagining she might be cursed.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Monday, October 28, 2013

 

 

I am grateful:

1)   Alex arrived in California safely.
2)   Laying out the Sweetwater Camera Club pages for the Chapel Hill News & Views has become considerably easier.
3)   I am enjoying writing Otherwise Entertained and believe it may develop into something significant.
4)   Window 8.1 works better than I expected.
5)   I am getting some use from my Adobe Creative Cloud membership.

You are highly creative, gifted with the ability to fulfill your dreams. All it takes is consistent effort. Make sure you take the time today to share your talent with the world. You never know what blessings you may bestow on others through your work. So many people are looking for something to allow them a few moments of escape, you can provide this gift.

As a prompt, write about someone who left you alone and how it helped you grow. You might write a poem, a story, a journal entry, or even a note for future use. This should be simple because everyone has suffered abandonment.

Thank you for visiting my blog. I hope it entertained you. If you enjoyed your time here, you might want to enter your email address above and subscribe to Chronicles. As I indicated, the snippet from Otherwise Entertained above is the sixth part. The whole story is on the blog, so you might want to catch up by reading the earlier pieces if you are new here. The archives contain a great deal of material you might enjoy, so feel free to explore.

I hope you have a totally awesome day and return here often in the future.

Always,
Jo Ann

Creativity Project Year Two-Day 141

Journal entry:

My Druthers

I have
Nothing to say
That is not negative
So I really rather not write.
I want to crawl inside some juicy book
And while away the hours reading
About interesting
People who live
With zest.

Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I am grateful:

1.   I did not get rained on today.
2.   There were no thunderstorms here.
3.   The truck did not break down.
4.   Mom did not fall.
5.   No one robbed us.

This Wednesday was a difficult day. I hope your day was much more pleasant. I encourage you to do some creative work if you can manage it. Perhaps it will improve your day. At least I know you have the talent to do it.

As a prompt, write about something you would rather do. Maybe this will be a comparison poem, story, or journal entry, just write whatever comes to mind. If you use this prompt, please leave a link to your work in the comments below.

I appreciate your taking the time to read my blog. I do not know how much longer I will be doing this, but I hope you will visit again. If you are interested in future updates you might wish to subscribe to Chronicles. If you have a comment you would like to share, please leave it below.

Always,
Jo Ann

Creativity Project Year Two-Day 125

Journal entry:

Quiet Desperation

I'm treading the edge
Where the urge to die almost
Trumps the will to live.

I want to give up,
All the platitudes are vain,
They give no relief.

Pressure continues
To bear down on me without
Any real surcease.

I have to go on,
But have no heart to sustain
Me throughout the fight.

Tears flow down my face,
I cry out for someone's help,
But no one aids me.

Must overcome this,
Defeat the desperation,
Somehow, I'll make it.

I'm treading the edge
Where the urge to die almost
Trumps the will to live.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Monday, May 13, 2013

I am grateful:

1.   I had food to eat.
2.   I had clothes to wear.
3.   My dog loves me.
4.   My Mom loves me.
5.   I don’t have to sleep outside with no shelter tonight.

This has been a devastating Monday, please forgive me for being down, perhaps tomorrow will be better… perhaps I will feel like resuming the war. Right now I want to retreat and keep retreating until I cannot be found.

I hope your day was much more successful than my own. I usually encourage you to do something creative at this point, but I can understand if you feel creation would be better deferred. I felt that way tonight, but I laid my heart out anyway. Perhaps you should do the same. Who knows, it might brighten your day.

As a prompt, write about a time you felt defeated by circumstances beyond your control. The examples are above, pour your heart out on the page. If you would like to share your work and you use this prompt, please leave a link to your creation in the comments below.

Thank you for visiting my blog. I hope you will find your way back here again. You can follow Chronicles by entering your email address in the space provided above so you get regular updates. If you have thoughts, suggestions, or criticism to share with me, please leave a comment.

Always,
Jo Ann