Thankful List - Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I really need to do this right now because I am in a very negative mind space. I am not sure I can come up with ten positive things but I am going to try.

I am thankful:

1. Mom’s diagnostic mammogram showed there was nothing wrong.
2. My dog, Hope, is always faithful and loving.
3. I have a working computer.
4. I have internet access.
5. Libraries have books I can borrow.
6. I have a home that provides shelter for me.
7. I have food to eat.
8. I have fresh water to drink, cook with, and bathe in.
9. I have a creative mind.
10. I have friends who do not desert me when I am sad.

I managed to write this out. Maybe I should do it several days in a row to encourage a better mood. Something has to change or I am going to wind up having to go for counseling despite my lack of funds.

Always,
Jo Ann

When I Am At A Crossroads, I…

When I am at a crossroads, I look both ways before crossing. This includes looking backward into the past, and forward toward the possibilities of the future. I try to base present decisions on the consequences I have experienced from past choices. Sometimes I can only hope that things will improve in the future. I know that the present is only temporary, but some of its happenings are causing wonder about how things will turn out. Moment by moment I navigate the storms that batter me without a reliable global positioning system. I have no conception of where I will end up, but am terribly afraid it will be in a bad situation. I just hope my new circumstances allow internet connection so I can stay in contact with the outside world, which helps ground me. I need my friends for support, and most of them only interact with me in the cyber-world. This is not most beneficial. Eye contact and vocal communication add much to conversation that text fails to convey. However, Facebook, Twitter, and the email group Journal Writing are better than isolation.

Always,
Jo Ann

Incompetence Rules

One expects great care
Dealing with professionals,
Sadly mistaken.

Diligence lacking
Most tasks are carelessly done,
Mistakes often made.

Such outrageous costs
For inferior service,
Must still fully pay.

The price quite absurd,
Total incompetence rules
Our society.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Wednesday, May 25, 2011

To the Survivors of Tornadoes 2011

After the awful storms were over,
The terrible devastation complete,
Little was left unscathed, intact.

Many were lost to the storms’ treachery,
For those copious tears continually fall
And survivors will always be left to grieve.

Those graciously spared said grateful prayers
Just fervently thankful to still be there
To hold close a loved one so very dear.

Even though their homes were gone,
They stood up proud and strong
Determined to continue, carry on.

They fought to put their lives back
In some semblance of together
And others came to lend them aid.

So many brave, battered souls
Lifted up by millions of prayers,
God be with them, always there.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I Am Fragile, Weak

My psychiatrist says I must now
See him every three months
So he can vigilantly observe me
Because I came nearly apart again.

The stress to which I am currently subjected
Is somewhat beyond my ordinary safety limit.
I worry about Mom obsessively and constantly,
I cannot distance myself from her plight.

I have full responsibility for care of Mom
And everything else, which is maintained here.
There is no one stepping in to render aid,
It is do-it-myself or leave it completely undone.

I am capable, and can perform most tasks
As long as no one looks too closely or asks,
“How are you doing?” I answer, “Very well.”
I will not let down my habitual trusted mask.

Underneath the well-worn façade I realize
There are cracks in my courage, my resolve,
I barely hold on to my placid existence:
I live in total abject horror of Mom’s passing.

My friends who pay close attention may
Have some awareness of my fragility,
But my family does not recognize
How very desperate I sometimes am.

I must toughen up and stand firm
For the situation will not get better
Mom’s deterioration is hastening along,
I promised to care for her, and I will.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Half My Life Is Gone, And I Have Given

Many days I have spent in deep despair
Because the love I wanted was not there
Within the heart of him I desired, so dear.

Many days I have tried to please
Someone or other who only teased
With words and actions at their ease.

Many days I have gone to great length
To show my character possesses strength
With little success, or so others might think.

Many days I have spent wandering inside
The creations of writer’s minds outside
The reality where I must truly reside.

Many days I have tried to inspire
Myself or someone else to enquire
Into the depths of creativity’s empire.

Many days I have gone beyond myself
Trying to help another achieve for themselves
What I could not seem to do by myself.

Many days and countless hours, I have spent
Hoping that I might somehow repent
For wasted time that others may resent.

Many days I have tried to finally accomplish
Some worthy work to fulfill my lifelong wish
To do something perfectly and actually finish.

Many days I have gone alone to bed
With silly dreams of victory in my head
For deeds undone and words left unsaid.

© Jo Ann J.A. Jordan
Monday, May 23, 2011

Come To Me In The Silence Of The Night

After my mother has gone to bed,
When the television is turned off
And I can think, clearly and completely.

We will create something wondrous,
A poem or story the world has not seen
A hint of at any other given time.

Come to me when I can fully relax,
Give myself over to my imagination
With no qualms about Mom’s neglect.

Come muse, infuse me with passion,
Give over my will to the flow of words,
Create something fabulous in my mind.

Never torment me by eluding my effort
Give me the words I need without pause
For I am enslaved, enthralled, in your service.

After all the errands are finally run
When the world is drifting into slumber
And I can devote all my energy, totally.

We will endeavor to capture the exact word,
A noun, adjective, or verb as yet unheard
By the unsuspecting, unready world.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Sunday, May 22, 2011

Haiku – Saturday, May 21, 2011 – Early Morning

My Mom is not well
I struggle to aid her health,
The days are fleeting.

My Kindle woos me
With an abundance of words,
I read at leisure.

I adore reading,
But writing is my true work...
Must apply effort.

If world is ending
I will not complete my work,
So much left undone.

Many predictions
None yet have ever come true,
Only God knows time.

After all this time
My love has barely faded,
You still have my heart.

Coming into day
With great anticipation
To accomplish much.

Memory may fade
But moments are still treasured
As each passes by.

We killed the head,
The body still organizes
Preparing to strike.

A child is a gift
A responsibility
Treasured forever.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

I Am Afraid…

Mom’s health is deteriorating. She is having more problems all the time. I am doing my best to care for her, but I have no control over systems in her body that are malfunctioning. I monitor and report to her doctors. They do not have the answers either. We are fighting a war we cannot win against an opponent all who live must face, aging. Eventually living catches up with us and we begin to wear out. Death comes steadily closer in an inevitable march.

Tuesday, we both had mammograms. Mine was fine. They found something suspicious on the left side in Mom’s results. She has to have another mammogram next Tuesday. I know it may be as simple as a shadow, but I am worried. What will I do if there is something wrong? How will I face it?

Her blood pressure has been uncontrollable. Sometimes it is very high, sometimes it is very low. I monitor it, but I cannot regulate it.
The Parkinson’s disease is progressing; the weakness and trembling are getting worse. I cannot make it go away.

Her memory is failing. There are things she just does not hold in her mind anymore. I try to keep up with everything, but what of the things she knew that I never learned?

I try my best to care for her, but nothing I do is making things better. I hate watching her get worse, but I cannot stop the hands of time.

I still need my mother, without her things will be so much more difficult for me. I will have to go without the things she helps me have. I will have no one to listen to my uncontrolled rants. I will have no one to share my fears. I will have no one to cheer me when I have no will to carry on. No one cares for me so much or so unconditionally. Who will face my insanity with me and help me back to reality? Who will talk to me, anytime? Who will bring me a present, just because? I do not think I can face life without her. How do I prepare to lose her? Can I really face days alone?

I am afraid… I know I am strong, but I am also very weak. I am used to her support, she is always there holding me in her love. How will I survive?

God is with us always, but sometimes God seems impersonal and far away. Mom can hold me in her arms, God cannot, not physically. How do I live without hugs and smiles?

I pray she is here longer, because I love Mom so much, but I also pray she has to suffer very little. I cannot hold her to this life when she is very uncomfortable here.

What am I to do? I am terrified…

Always,
Jo Ann

Writing Fears

This is an exercise from Page after Page by Heather Sellers. I am to make a list of twenty five fears I have about writing. They may not all be rational, but here is my list:

1.     I don’t have anything important to say.
2.     I don’t have a college degree.
3.     I might say something embarrassing.
4.     My grammar isn’t great.
5.     I might make a mistake.
6.     Someone might dislike my writing.
7.     I have a disability.
8.     I might use the wrong words.
9.     I am not good at writing.
10.    I am scared to tell my truth because someone might hate me for it.
11.    I don’t have enough time to make all the writing perfect.
12.    I will never finish anything.
13.    It is too hard to write.
14.    My life isn’t interesting enough.
15.    I have not accomplished enough in my life.
16.    I constantly edit myself.
17.    I am really a reader, not a writer.
18.    My ideas are too original.
19.    My ideas aren’t original enough.
20.    I don’t always make sense.
21.    If I succeed I might not be presentable in public because I am not beautiful.
22.    I should participate in more writer’s groups.
23.    I am not a good enough person to be a writer.
24.    No one wants to read my drivel.
25.    I don’t have enough talent.