Thursday, November 03, 2011

A Tribute to My Mom

God Knew I Needed Her

When God created my mother
He must have spent some extra time,
Knowing she would grow up without
A mother to guide her in womanly ways.

He must have placed great compassion
Within her tender heart knowing
Her family would need special care,
Especially preparing her for a child like me.

God must have heaped her full
Of patience so she would be able
To cope with the many difficulties
That have beset her later years.

He must have made her particularly
Strong so her heart would not break
With the hardship of losing many of
Those who were dearest to her.

God must have prepared her
With great goodness, kindness, and
Love to be the one person who
I can always depend upon.

He must have known being
My mother would be a trial,
And so blessed her with the
Ability to be the very best.

Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Thankful List–Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I am thankful:

1.   I finished staining the porch and ramp, which turned out well.
2.   I have a delightful puppy dog who loves me no matter what.
3.   I have been writing more lately, and am beginning to feel comfortable with the work.
4.   Mom has been doing well.
5.   My nephew and I have had some great conversations recently.
6.   Alex is becoming comfortable at his station in Japan.
7.   My computer did not require replacement and is working well now.
8.   I have a safe place to live.
9.   My niece was able to get a new car after her van was stolen.
10.  Libraries provide interesting books to read.

Part of the 99%???

Why I Understand Struggle and Heartache

I read the stories of others and am reminded to be thankful for all the wonderful blessings I have.

I have Schizo-Affective Disorder, which is in simple terms a combination of Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar Disorder. My condition is debilitating and without medication, I am unable to function.

I was originally diagnosed as a severe Paranoid Schizophrenic in 1981. It was then believed I would never be more than a vegetable needing care for all my needs. Thanks to my parents, medical intervention, and a great deal of prayer I recovered enough to go to work and live normally. I continued to have breaks with reality because I was unable to afford regular medication and in those periods, I would become unable to work. Hallucinations and paranoid delusions make one unfit for the working world.

During one of the good periods, without medication, I became pregnant and gave birth to my wonderful son. His father did not want our marriage to continue and did not want a child. We returned to my parents’ home because the stress of the break-up caused me to breakdown.

When I recovered, I went to work and became manager of a convenience store working for Marathon Oil. I paid for Cigna health and disability insurance. I won many commendations for my accomplishments at work. I worked diligently and well for several years. Workers became undependable and scarce and I had to work eighteen-hour days to keep the store operational. I hardly slept or spent any time with my family. After months, I lost my grip on reality and had to stay home one day. My district manager fired me rather than allow me the sick days and vacation time I had earned. I lost my health and disability insurance. The disability insurance would have been paying me a comfortable wage all these years, but the company cheated me out of my earned benefits by unfair termination. I was too sick to fight for my rights. I was married at the time so my husband and family helped me regain my senses. I was a full-time homemaker, wife, and mother for some years.

My nephew and father died suddenly and the stress led to my having another breakdown. My husband was unable to deal with the pressure and divorced me. It was 1997 and I was finally forced to seek Social Security Disability benefits because I could not survive without the help. Even then, I lived with my Mom to avoid homelessness for my son and myself.

There have been three more significant breaks with reality in the intervening years. I eventually had to declare bankruptcy because I could not maintain the payments on my debt.

I managed to raise my son and he has become a United States Marine. I have become full-time caregiver for my Mom who has serious health problems including Parkinson’s disease, mini-strokes, and mild dementia.

I live on a Social Security Disability Income of $790 a month and a medically needy Medicaid benefit that helps pay some of my medical expenses. I contribute by caring for my Mom who would otherwise require full-time care.

I would enjoy a part-time job, but I would lose my Medicaid benefits and the stress might bring on another breakdown, so I remain unemployed.

I am very thankful to be able to write this today because there have been many times when I was unable to form cognizant sentences. I hope my words touch you and make you realize there are some who need government benefits to survive. I am doing my best and functioning at a high level, but this is a good moment. God willing things will continue well, but with a condition like mine, there are no guarantees.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Tribute To All Those We Have So Tragically Lost


At Great Cost
He was a decent student, bright,
A well-behaved and happy child,
He made his family very proud.
After graduation he said his goodbyes,
He went away to conquer strict training
And become his dream: A U.S. Marine.
He came home briefly in triumph
With his hard-won money to spend
And fulfilled his early promise.
His duty called him far away,
His family worried and prayed
Hoping always for his safety.
One day without warning, it happened,
Everything went horribly wrong,
He did not make it back from the field.
Every military family’s nightmare
An unexpected knock upon the door,
The news that he had sacrificed it all.
He wanted to serve his country
And he gave his lifeblood
A hero to keep us safe and free.
He stands with the angels now
Forever vigilantly watching over
Loved ones he suddenly left behind.
Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Somewhat Telling Poem

Regret to Victory

She called misfortune by writing
Her rancor out in a card for one
Who constant mistreated her love.

When he learned of her forbidden act
He turned cold, distant, and promptly
Cast her out from her home beside him.

She felt betrayed by life and chose
A bottle of lethally strong medication
To end the pain of living again alone.

Her child intervened and called
Unwanted help to save her from
The certain clutches of devouring death.

They took her away to the locked ward
Where bewildered people wander
Lost in thought separate from the world.

She recovered a modicum of herself,
But found her belongings scattered
Outdoors for scavengers to plunder.

She lost much that was irreplaceable
But she survived to raise her child
To the very pinnacle of manhood.

That brave boy became exemplary
Cheating death over and again
A United States Marine.

Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Where I Ponder My Choices

I finished reading Overbite by Meg Cabot this evening. It was a very good novel with an unexpected, but satisfying ending. I am trying to decide on a new book to begin. Perhaps I have too many to choose from because I cannot seem to make up my mind. I am 9 books behind on my goal of reading 120 this year. This is disappointing, but the goal is only a target, not something I must complete.


The new Kindles are to be released next month, but I think I am waiting a while before I purchase one. In fact, I am in a holding pattern on most electronics. I want to wait for the next operating system before I get a new computer. I want to get the next model Nikon when it first comes out. I want to see if the next generation of tablets and e-readers are better. I am content with my BlackBerry, although I am considering an Android or iPhone if plans and pricing come down. My iPods are sufficient for the time being.


It seems I am regressing to older technology lately. I am so taken with the books I purchased at Borders’ going out of business sale and those I borrow from the library that I am hardly using my Kindle 3. I have started writing with an ink pen rather than on my computer and am enjoying seeing words fill my notebooks.


This entry was written in my notebook and copied so that I might add it to my blog.


Hope all of you are doing well.


Always,
Jo Ann

Monday, October 10, 2011

My Recent Poems I Want To Share

September 22, 2011
The Surface Isn’t Real

When you see someone smiling,
You may not know they are
Hiding their pain.

When you think someone's lazy,
Because they don't work every day,
It may not be by personal choice.

When you laugh at someone,
Because they aren't as perfect as you,
You may not know how hard they try.

There are hidden afflictions
That you may not understand,
But that are devastatingly real.

Don't make the mistake of judgment
Without knowing the truth,
Because you could hurt someone deeply.

Try to be gentle, try to be kind,
Because some things are hidden
From the naked eye.

September 26, 2011
Indebted

You know you are loved when someone hugs and holds you tight.
You know someone cares when they give you something nice.
You know you are safe when your doors are locked tight.

Our military personnel get no gentle caresses.
They go without gifts on many special occasions.
The places where they rest may be very unsafe.

They give their lives to show you that you are loved.
Their service is a gift which no one can repay.
They keep you safe each and every day.

God Bless The Marines, The Army, The Navy,
The Air Force, and The National Guard.

Sunday, October 9, 2011
Buying Inspiration

School supplies are not strictly
Necessary to my life anymore,
Yet every year I frequent the sales
That herald Back to School.

I visit the overstuffed shelves
Of brightly colored notebooks,
My eyes searching out attractive
Covers to bind my poetic words.

I linger over the place where
The pens and pencils are displayed,
Hoping to find a writing implement
That might spur my muse to activity.

I am the one strolling the aisles
Wishing some simple purchase
Might rekindle the imagination
I so blithely enjoyed as a youth.

Sunday, October 9, 2011
Praise to Him


He set the sun, moon, and stars
In motion and brought our world to life.
Yet He hears when I am crying
And cares enough to save my soul.

Some think me insignificant
But He died to set me free.
He knows when I am hurting and comes near
Even though many others have forsaken me.

He loves me without condition
Although some of my words and actions
Surely make Him very sad.
Even when I am bad, He stands by me.

He is my Maker and the Author of Eternity
I owe Him all my love and allegiance
For He has given me constant access
To all the glories He stored up for me.

From the beginning, He knew me
And loved me without reservation.
My friend, my Savior, Jesus Christ
Will never give me up for I am His.

I will rejoice with the saints and angels
For I am bought at great price
The King of Kings sacrificed Himself
That I might one day meet Him in Paradise.

Monday, October 10, 2011
Unleash Poetry

If you wish to write a poem
Gather your favorite notebook and pen,
Or open a document on your computer,
In a comfortable place of relative peace.

Do not over think and confound
Your muse, but try to catch your
Wayward thoughts on the open page.
Simplicity pays dividends in words.

You do not have to be experienced;
Anyone can shape words to the form
Of attractive verse, it only takes
A bit of earnest effort and dedication.

You are by nature creatively gifted,
Able to write with individual depth
And intense personal clarity,
You are a poet by virtue of birth.

Open your inmost heart and harness
The power of your infinite imagination,
Allow your words to flow in a torrent
And make a poem out of your life.

Monday, October 10, 2011
Time Occupied

Make no mistake my day is not
A honeymoon infused with the scent
Of Water Babies suntan lotion
Where lulling in the drowsy warmth
Of the vacation bright sun is acceptable.

This day began with the annoying blare
Of the alarm I so carelessly forgot
To reset yesterday to my great dismay,
But that is fine, I need only have
Scarce hours of sleep anyway.

The gooey sweet taste of warm Moon Pie
Brought me out of my enduring stupor.
The smooth texture of computer keys
Affording me the timely information
I need to choose the path of my day.

I am not alone, but the constant drone
Of my mother’s television is no company.
Soft curling fur under my fingers eases
My weary mind from its preoccupation
With the daunting problems facing me.

Pulling apt words out of nothing
To form into efficient lines on
Crisp blank paper is a worthy task
Requiring difficult effort which
Ultimately brings refreshing satisfaction.

Monday, September 19, 2011

My Fortunate Life

I just completed reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok which was a very good memoir written by the daughter of a Schizophrenic. The lives depicted in the book were devastated by the disease.

In 1981 I was diagnosed with severe Paranoid Schizophrenia. Over the years I was hospitalized several times and lived with and without medication. My diagnosis was changed to Schizo-Affective Disorder in more recent years. I have been fortunate enough to have family who stepped in to help me whenever I was unable to care for myself. There were times I completely lost my sense of reality, but my family acted as advocates to get me the care I needed to return to productive life. Had my mother, in particular, not stood beside me when I was debilitated by my disease, I would have probably become homeless and possibly would have died.

I managed to raise my son to become a wonderful young man. He is now a United States Marine. His childhood was mostly a happy one. There were several times I became briefly incapacitated, but for the majority of the time I was an active parent.

Now I am caregiver to my mother who has Parkinson’s Disease and other serious health issues. I am honored to be a help to my Mom who has so kindly helped me through the years.

Every day is a challenge, because even on medication, my mind does not function like that of a disease free person. There are times when I must concentrate extremely hard to maintain focus. There are moments when I fight irrational fears. I have difficulty believing in myself. At times it is very tempting to stop taking my medication, because it does somewhat stifle my creativity and expressiveness.

I thank God I have been able to live as productive and happy a life as I have.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Notes on my 30 Year High School Class Reunion

A portion of the Pebblebrook High School Class of 1981 met last night for our thirty year class reunion. It was held in Douglasville so I did not have to travel far and the venue was beautiful. The reunion committee did a wonderful job of arranging the event and the attendance was good. I enjoyed seeing so many people from my past. Many gave me a warm welcome, which was very nice. The hugs and kind words were sweet. I was so nervous, but everything worked out well. I wish I could see these friends of mine more often. I carried my Nikon and was able to take some photographs. I would have liked to snap everyone’s picture, but it did not work out that way. I won one of the prizes: a $25.00 Visa gift card that I can use anywhere. I have not decided what I will do with the gift, but it is so nice that I won. Everyone looked marvelous and seemed so happy, I am very glad I chose to go. There were faces missing that I would have liked to see, but it was a joy seeing those who were there. Overall a fabulous evening spent with some of the best people in the world.

Always,
Jo Ann

DSC_0355

Mom took my photo before I left for the evening.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Thankful Thursday and Thoughts–September 8, 2011

I am thankful:

1.   Mom and I had an enjoyable lunch at Hudson’s Barbecue while we were out to run errands yesterday.
2.   Penny is doing well on the medicine the veterinarian changed.
3.   I have read some excellent books recently.
4.   I archived some of the free eBooks on my Kindle, and with the memory freed the device is working much better.
5.   Alex and I chatted a few nights ago and he seemed to be doing well.
6.   The temperature was a bit cooler, so Hope and I walked a mile last evening.
7.   I have been cooking more, and Mom seems to really enjoy it. I still hate to cook, but it is nice to make her happy.
8.   The recent storms have passed us by without any damage.
9.   Jeremy fixed the air conditioner on my Buick.
10.  I cleaned out all the freezers, so there is only good food inside.

I have been trying to stay home as much as possible because going into town has been making me very nervous since my niece, Leigh, and her family had their van stolen. I know they were in a different city, and that Washington, D.C. is a high crime area, but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that something bad might happen while I am out. I am more comfortable at home on the average day.

I managed to buy some books and bookmarks at Borders’ going out of business sale. I would have liked it more if I had had more money to spend, but some is better than none. I am so disappointed that my favorite bookstore is ceasing to exist. I suppose Amazon will get my business from now on because there is no nearby physical bookstore. Thankfully a new library is opening near here soon. I read many more library books than books I own. Reading is an expensive habit without library books. The free eBooks on Kindle give me lots of reading material too. One thing I really must begin to do is leave a book if it doesn’t interest me and stop plodding through books just because I started them.

I am planning on going to my thirty year class reunion this month, but am a little hesitant about it. School was not such a pleasant thing for me because I was bullied, though I do have some good memories on the academic side. I have always enjoyed learning. I hope this reunion is better than the ten year one I attended.

Laura, my daughter-in-law, found a puppy. She seems totally taken with Luna who is a black Lab mix. I think with all the attention she is giving the puppy that it should turn out to be a fine dog. I have no doubt Luna will be just as spoiled as my Hope.

I have not been paying much attention to my creative side. I fail to write, I fail to draw, and I fail to paint. Somehow I need to get back to those things, but my enjoyment of reading seems to hold me captive. There should be a balance, where I create and I read, but that does not seem to happen. At least I am not hooked on television. Computers, yes, books, yes, but those things give me some hope that I can be reunited with my creative side. I should really come here and blog more often, but I have little incentive. I often feel I am only talking to myself, and I can do that in my head without all the effort of typing out the thoughts and making them sensible. I manage to post on Twitter and Facebook quite often via TweetDeck, but even that seems futile at times. One day I am going to make a collection of my best Twitter posts and bring them here. I think some of them are quite erudite.

I hope all of you are doing well and living happily. I am happy in my life be it ever so simple.

Always,
Jo Ann

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Update and Thankful List - Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Much has happened since I last updated here. My son Alex spent a little more than a month here at home with us. It was good to have him home, but it was also hectic. On Saturday, July 2, 2011 Alex married Laura-Ann Coale. The wedding ceremony was beautiful and I am so happy to have gained a wonderful daughter-in-law. I hope and pray that God will richly bless their marriage. I was kept busy with helping to arrange the event and keeping the household running. Alex left for Japan, where he will be stationed for three years, on July 8th. We have not had much communication since then. I am hoping we will begin to communicate more as he settles into life there.

I am thankful:

1.   Alex and Laura had a beautiful wedding.
2.   They were able to get away for a short honeymoon.
3.   Mom and I were able to be at the wedding, and help make things work out well.
4.   Laura has been working on our back porch and is going to stain it and the ramp.
5.   I re-learned how to use the DVD player and have watched a concert with Mom.
6.   I have been cooking more, even though I still hate cooking.
7.   I have had some awesome books to read.
8.   The lilies finally bloomed and I got some beautiful pictures.
9.   Alex gave me an iPod Touch 64GB.
10.  The dogs were groomed last Wednesday and look adorable.

Mom had a bad day Friday, and was very sick. She is doing better now.

I have been very concerned about the drama playing out in Washington and am quite convinced that our politicians have lost touch with the American people. I do not believe they have our best interests at heart. I may be very economically challenged, but I still vote, and the incumbents in the House and Senate will not have my vote in the upcoming election. This idiocy has caused much stress for me and I will remember. When the livelihoods of myself and a significant portion of my family are threatened because of governmental mismanagement, I notice. I am quite fed up with legislators who believe they are immune to any ill effects of the decisions they make. There needs to be some consideration for the people of this nation, and if not, the government needs changing.

I am very sad that Borders is going out of business since they have been the dominant bookstore in my life for most of my life. I suppose that Amazon will gain the majority of my business in the future since they have much better prices than any other bookstore I can name. I thank God for my local public library, because in reality, most of the books I read come from there.

Hope goes for her annual exam this month. I am hoping the veterinarian does not find her overweight. She is bigger than Mom’s two Shih Tzu.

My sleep schedule has changed a bit. I now stay up very late, like 2am and 3am. I sleep in very late as well. It gives me some quiet time to read and compute without the distraction of the television which Mom runs a great deal when she is awake.

Life goes on. I hope things are going well for all of you.

Always,
Jo Ann
 

Friday, June 03, 2011

Thankful List–Friday, June 3, 2011

I am thankful:

1.   Mom was able to go to town with me today.
2.   We completed out shopping without any problems.
3.   My book, Poetry Writing by Fiona Sampson arrived in the mail from Borders.com.
4.   I bought a pretty journal at Wal-Mart and a leather bound blank book at Sam’s Club. Both were inexpensive.
5.   I was able to order a new insurance card for Mom when I called to pay my premium with AARP.
6.   I unloaded the truck after our trip to town in two stages so I did not overheat. It was 103 degrees today.
7.   The books that were mutilated in shipping look as if sitting heavy volumes on them is going to straighten out the covers and pages. Maybe I will not have to return them after all.
8.   We ate lunch at Wendy’s and Mom paid for my meal.
9.   I have plenty of books and e-Books to read.
10.  Jeremy is going to send someone to check out our air conditioner because it is not keeping the house cooled to the temperature set on the thermostat.

Always,
Jo Ann

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Thankful Thursday–June 2, 2011

I am thankful:

1.   Air conditioning keeps the house livable in the scorching heat.
2.   Two of the books I had ordered from Borders.com arrived. I am not sure I am keeping them because they were mutilated in shipping, but at least they finally came. I am a stickler for perfect books.
3.   We are staying home today.
4.   I am cooking sirloin steaks with broccoli rice au gratin and sweet peas with pearl onions and mushrooms for supper. We will have lemon meringue pie for dessert.
5.   I remembered to remove my bookmarks when I had to return some books that were on hold at the library.
6.   Penny felt feisty enough to bark at Ko-Ko earlier today. Penny is a thirteen year old Shih Tzu and Ko-Ko is an irritating two year old of the same breed.
7.   There have been no thunderstorms for a week or more. However, I wish God would see fit to send us some good soaking rains. The plants are suffering.
8.   I have decided to put off purchasing a new computer for some time. I may attempt upgrading this laptop to Windows 7, since I have the disk and everything.
9.   I am not in quite so black a mood.
10.  Writing out thankful lists seems to make me feel somewhat better.

Always,
Jo Ann

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Thankful List–Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Another list to help me look at the brighter side of things and possibly leave my negativity behind. Yesterday was a little better after writing out some things for which I was thankful.

I am thankful:

1. Alex and Laura are gone for a few days.
2. I found some interesting books at the library yesterday.
3. We do not have any appointments scheduled for the rest of the week.
4. I have my BlackBerry to keep me connected on the go.
5. Alex trimmed some of the bushes.
6. Alex patched the roof on the barn.
7. The pen I bought at Michael’s after Easter writes very well.
8. Yesterday I bought a nice journal at Wal-Mart and another at Sam’s Club.
9. Jenna came and got her graduation presents. She appreciated what we gave her.
10. I will have some money when Friday comes.

Always,
Jo Ann

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Thankful List - Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I really need to do this right now because I am in a very negative mind space. I am not sure I can come up with ten positive things but I am going to try.

I am thankful:

1. Mom’s diagnostic mammogram showed there was nothing wrong.
2. My dog, Hope, is always faithful and loving.
3. I have a working computer.
4. I have internet access.
5. Libraries have books I can borrow.
6. I have a home that provides shelter for me.
7. I have food to eat.
8. I have fresh water to drink, cook with, and bathe in.
9. I have a creative mind.
10. I have friends who do not desert me when I am sad.

I managed to write this out. Maybe I should do it several days in a row to encourage a better mood. Something has to change or I am going to wind up having to go for counseling despite my lack of funds.

Always,
Jo Ann

Monday, May 30, 2011

When I Am At A Crossroads, I…

When I am at a crossroads, I look both ways before crossing. This includes looking backward into the past, and forward toward the possibilities of the future. I try to base present decisions on the consequences I have experienced from past choices. Sometimes I can only hope that things will improve in the future. I know that the present is only temporary, but some of its happenings are causing wonder about how things will turn out. Moment by moment I navigate the storms that batter me without a reliable global positioning system. I have no conception of where I will end up, but am terribly afraid it will be in a bad situation. I just hope my new circumstances allow internet connection so I can stay in contact with the outside world, which helps ground me. I need my friends for support, and most of them only interact with me in the cyber-world. This is not most beneficial. Eye contact and vocal communication add much to conversation that text fails to convey. However, Facebook, Twitter, and the email group Journal Writing are better than isolation.

Always,
Jo Ann

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Incompetence Rules

One expects great care
Dealing with professionals,
Sadly mistaken.

Diligence lacking
Most tasks are carelessly done,
Mistakes often made.

Such outrageous costs
For inferior service,
Must still fully pay.

The price quite absurd,
Total incompetence rules
Our society.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

To the Survivors of Tornadoes 2011

After the awful storms were over,
The terrible devastation complete,
Little was left unscathed, intact.

Many were lost to the storms’ treachery,
For those copious tears continually fall
And survivors will always be left to grieve.

Those graciously spared said grateful prayers
Just fervently thankful to still be there
To hold close a loved one so very dear.

Even though their homes were gone,
They stood up proud and strong
Determined to continue, carry on.

They fought to put their lives back
In some semblance of together
And others came to lend them aid.

So many brave, battered souls
Lifted up by millions of prayers,
God be with them, always there.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I Am Fragile, Weak

My psychiatrist says I must now
See him every three months
So he can vigilantly observe me
Because I came nearly apart again.

The stress to which I am currently subjected
Is somewhat beyond my ordinary safety limit.
I worry about Mom obsessively and constantly,
I cannot distance myself from her plight.

I have full responsibility for care of Mom
And everything else, which is maintained here.
There is no one stepping in to render aid,
It is do-it-myself or leave it completely undone.

I am capable, and can perform most tasks
As long as no one looks too closely or asks,
“How are you doing?” I answer, “Very well.”
I will not let down my habitual trusted mask.

Underneath the well-worn façade I realize
There are cracks in my courage, my resolve,
I barely hold on to my placid existence:
I live in total abject horror of Mom’s passing.

My friends who pay close attention may
Have some awareness of my fragility,
But my family does not recognize
How very desperate I sometimes am.

I must toughen up and stand firm
For the situation will not get better
Mom’s deterioration is hastening along,
I promised to care for her, and I will.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Monday, May 23, 2011

Half My Life Is Gone, And I Have Given

Many days I have spent in deep despair
Because the love I wanted was not there
Within the heart of him I desired, so dear.

Many days I have tried to please
Someone or other who only teased
With words and actions at their ease.

Many days I have gone to great length
To show my character possesses strength
With little success, or so others might think.

Many days I have spent wandering inside
The creations of writer’s minds outside
The reality where I must truly reside.

Many days I have tried to inspire
Myself or someone else to enquire
Into the depths of creativity’s empire.

Many days I have gone beyond myself
Trying to help another achieve for themselves
What I could not seem to do by myself.

Many days and countless hours, I have spent
Hoping that I might somehow repent
For wasted time that others may resent.

Many days I have tried to finally accomplish
Some worthy work to fulfill my lifelong wish
To do something perfectly and actually finish.

Many days I have gone alone to bed
With silly dreams of victory in my head
For deeds undone and words left unsaid.

© Jo Ann J.A. Jordan
Monday, May 23, 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Come To Me In The Silence Of The Night

After my mother has gone to bed,
When the television is turned off
And I can think, clearly and completely.

We will create something wondrous,
A poem or story the world has not seen
A hint of at any other given time.

Come to me when I can fully relax,
Give myself over to my imagination
With no qualms about Mom’s neglect.

Come muse, infuse me with passion,
Give over my will to the flow of words,
Create something fabulous in my mind.

Never torment me by eluding my effort
Give me the words I need without pause
For I am enslaved, enthralled, in your service.

After all the errands are finally run
When the world is drifting into slumber
And I can devote all my energy, totally.

We will endeavor to capture the exact word,
A noun, adjective, or verb as yet unheard
By the unsuspecting, unready world.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Sunday, May 22, 2011

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Haiku – Saturday, May 21, 2011 – Early Morning


My Mom is not well
I struggle to aid her health,
The days are fleeting.

My Kindle woos me
With an abundance of words,
I read at leisure.

I adore reading,
But writing is my true work...
Must apply effort.

If world is ending
I will not complete my work,
So much left undone.

Many predictions
None yet have ever come true,
Only God knows time.

After all this time
My love has barely faded,
You still have my heart.

Coming into day
With great anticipation
To accomplish much.

Memory may fade
But moments are still treasured
As each passes by.

We killed the head,
The body still organizes
Preparing to strike.

A child is a gift
A responsibility
Treasured forever.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I Am Afraid…

Mom’s health is deteriorating. She is having more problems all the time. I am doing my best to care for her, but I have no control over systems in her body that are malfunctioning. I monitor and report to her doctors. They do not have the answers either. We are fighting a war we cannot win against an opponent all who live must face, aging. Eventually living catches up with us and we begin to wear out. Death comes steadily closer in an inevitable march.

Tuesday, we both had mammograms. Mine was fine. They found something suspicious on the left side in Mom’s results. She has to have another mammogram next Tuesday. I know it may be as simple as a shadow, but I am worried. What will I do if there is something wrong? How will I face it?

Her blood pressure has been uncontrollable. Sometimes it is very high, sometimes it is very low. I monitor it, but I cannot regulate it.
The Parkinson’s disease is progressing; the weakness and trembling are getting worse. I cannot make it go away.

Her memory is failing. There are things she just does not hold in her mind anymore. I try to keep up with everything, but what of the things she knew that I never learned?

I try my best to care for her, but nothing I do is making things better. I hate watching her get worse, but I cannot stop the hands of time.

I still need my mother, without her things will be so much more difficult for me. I will have to go without the things she helps me have. I will have no one to listen to my uncontrolled rants. I will have no one to share my fears. I will have no one to cheer me when I have no will to carry on. No one cares for me so much or so unconditionally. Who will face my insanity with me and help me back to reality? Who will talk to me, anytime? Who will bring me a present, just because? I do not think I can face life without her. How do I prepare to lose her? Can I really face days alone?

I am afraid… I know I am strong, but I am also very weak. I am used to her support, she is always there holding me in her love. How will I survive?

God is with us always, but sometimes God seems impersonal and far away. Mom can hold me in her arms, God cannot, not physically. How do I live without hugs and smiles?

I pray she is here longer, because I love Mom so much, but I also pray she has to suffer very little. I cannot hold her to this life when she is very uncomfortable here.

What am I to do? I am terrified…

Always,
Jo Ann

Writing Fears

This is an exercise from Page after Page by Heather Sellers. I am to make a list of twenty five fears I have about writing. They may not all be rational, but here is my list:

1.     I don’t have anything important to say.
2.     I don’t have a college degree.
3.     I might say something embarrassing.
4.     My grammar isn’t great.
5.     I might make a mistake.
6.     Someone might dislike my writing.
7.     I have a disability.
8.     I might use the wrong words.
9.     I am not good at writing.
10.    I am scared to tell my truth because someone might hate me for it.
11.    I don’t have enough time to make all the writing perfect.
12.    I will never finish anything.
13.    It is too hard to write.
14.    My life isn’t interesting enough.
15.    I have not accomplished enough in my life.
16.    I constantly edit myself.
17.    I am really a reader, not a writer.
18.    My ideas are too original.
19.    My ideas aren’t original enough.
20.    I don’t always make sense.
21.    If I succeed I might not be presentable in public because I am not beautiful.
22.    I should participate in more writer’s groups.
23.    I am not a good enough person to be a writer.
24.    No one wants to read my drivel.
25.    I don’t have enough talent.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

When I Write… I Must Sacrifice

Unfortunately, I do not write as much as I should. I have some talent, and some say a way with words. There are things I concentrate on more than writing practice.

I am an avid reader. This year I have read forty-five books and they have not been thin volumes. I will read instead of taking time to write.

I have responsibilities that take up a large amount of my time: chores, shopping, caring for Mom and the dogs, and cooking. I also spend many moments computing: checking and answering email, chatting with my son, Alex, who is a U.S. Marine, updating and checking Facebook, and posting to Twitter and reading the posts of those I follow.

The truth is these pursuits do not prevent my writing. I could read and compute less, easily finding time to devote to writing, but I am not motivated to do so, because I enjoy reading and computing. Writing is exhausting mental work. It is much easier to take information in than to formulate meaningful sentences, which will hold the attention of another person. Often I think of writing, but am not inspired with a topic upon which to expound. I can come up with a 140-character thought to post to Twitter and Facebook, but going beyond that is more difficult.

I have a plethora of books on the art and craft of writing, and could probably find inspiration in some of those. I know I should write if I ever intend to produce work of value. I am so afraid of writing something of inferior quality that I avoid writing much at all.

I love writing and find it very satisfying. I feel a need to put my words into a permanent form, but I rarely make the sacrifice required to accomplish that goal. Perhaps there is an element of laziness in this shirking of effort.

I am sincerely considering reading less so that I may devote more time to writing. That would be a huge sacrifice to me because reading is one of my greatest joys.

If you write, what do you sacrifice to put out your words ?

Always,
Jo Ann

 

Note to Writers and Authors

I am an avid reader and I write. I do not know that I will ever be widely published because I have a great fear of failure. That stymies my creativity.

Today, I speak directly to writers and authors. I love reading and spend much of my time perusing the pages of books and eBooks. I am a kind reviewer, giving many of the books I read the highest ratings. However, I find it very distracting to read poorly edited books. To come upon one or two mistakes in a text is forgivable, but when pages are riddled with wrong words, omitted words, and grammatical problems, it pulls me out of the story. I see how careless the writer has been and how little respect he/she has for the reader. I like to give indie authors a chance when I read on my Kindle, but many of these eBooks appear to be totally unedited. The story may be marvelous, but the craft should be attended to as well.

I know most of us write on computers these days, and am thankful for spell-check. Even with the marvelous aids given by technology, a careful reading of what is written is required. If you, as a writer, lack the skill to recognize your own mistakes, have someone with some knowledge of English read over your work and suggest corrections. Please have enough respect for your readers to produce clear copy. You will earn more repeat readers by so doing.

I hope this will make an impression on those who are self-publishing, and even those with publishers.

Always,
Jo Ann

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I Don’t Care Either…

I received this as a forwarded email. I thought it worth passing along here.

Thought you might like to read this letter to the editor of a British national newspaper. Ever notice how some people just seem to know how to write a letter?

Here is a woman who should run for Prime Minister!

Written by a housewife, to her daily newspaper. This is one ticked off lady.

“Are we fighting a war on terror or aren’t we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores in July 2002, and in New Your, September 11, 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day in London, and in downtown Manhattan, and in a field in Pennsylvania?

Did nearly three thousand me, women and children die a horrible burning or crushing death that day, or didn’t they?

And I’m supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against in a brutal insurgency.

I’ll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11 and 7/7>

I’ll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan.

I’ll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg’s head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I’ll care when the cowardly so called ‘insurgents’ in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques and behind women and children.

I’ll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of Nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I’ll care when the British media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a British soldier roughing up an insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:

I don’t care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take this to the bank:

I don’t care.

When I hear that a prisoner – who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and ‘fed special food’ that is paid for by my taxes – is complaining that his holy book is being ‘mishandled,’ you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:

I don’t care.

And oh, by the way, I’ve noticed that sometimes it’s spelled ‘Koran’ and other times ‘Quran.’ Well, believe me, you guessed it…

I don’t care!”

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your friends. Sooner or later, it’ll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior!

If you don’t agree, then by all means ignore it. Should you choose the latter, then please don’t complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country! And may I add:

‘Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. Our soldiers don’t have that problem.’

I have another quote that I would like to add, AND… I hope you forward all this,

Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ
2. The British Soldier
3. The Canadian Soldier
4. The U.S. Soldier
5. The Australian Soldier

One died for your soul, the other four for your freedom.

You might want to pass this on, as many seem to forget about all of them.

Amen!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Review of A Book I Loved

If you are looking for an excellent gift for the readers in your life on Mother’s Day, I believe you will make them very happy if you give them this superb book.

The Other Life by Ellen Meister is the most beautiful book I have read in years. The story is full of love, pain, joy, and triumph. The characters touch the heart and make one cheer. The choice between two lives is portrayed with great care.

What if you could step from one reality to another? How would you choose between those you love? The choice to go into a life where there is less personal turmoil would tempt anyone, especially if the other life held someone very dear. Quinn is faced with no easy choices. She lives honestly and goes through a huge dilemma deciding her fate and that of those she loves.

I give this book my highest recommendation. I believe the story will touch your heart and make you think. There is so much contained within the covers of this volume. The secondary characters are well developed and presented with loving consideration. Go get this book and read it, you will not regret a single moment you spend with this splendid tale.

Always,
Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Friday, April 08, 2011

A Bit of My History with Mental Illness

I have lived with diagnosed mental illness since 1981. When I look back, I know it began before then. The bullying I was subjected to throughout my school years, the consistent yelling and fighting that went on between my parents and the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my father negatively affected me and does to this day. I have forgiven those that hurt me, but the damage lingers ingrained in my personality, my emotions, and my mind.


I married at sixteen, hoping that would end some abuse, but because my husband and I lived for a time in my parents’ home nothing really changed. We finally moved out and I was away from my father, so some trauma eased. There were serious problems in the marriage and it fell apart. The divorce was driving me insane and then I was given drugs that caused my first huge psychiatric breakdown in 1981. My mother and brother rescued me. I nearly died and without the prayers of thousands of people, I would never have made it. The doctors told my family that I would be a vegetable, but God had other plans.


I moved back into my parents’ home and the sexual abuse began again. My father was a master manipulator, who kept me in fear so I never revealed what was happening to me. He hid all his deviousness from my mother, so she was never aware of his monstrous acts. Threats kept me scared to say anything even when he was convicted of child molestation with other children. I also feared that the father I deeply loved would be taken out of my life forever and did not know how my mother and I would survive without my father’s financial support.


I was originally diagnosed with severe Paranoid Schizophrenia. I was on medication for a while, but because of the cost and the severe side effects, I did not remain on it long. I worked and lived at home where I was tormented for several years. I was in and out of mental wards and on and off medication.


When the opportunity to move in with a co-worker presented itself, I quickly accepted. That situation was not a good one and I moved back to my parents’ home after a short time. I then moved in with a boyfriend and that worked until he began mistreating me. I went back to my parents’ home, worked and suffered. Another boyfriend invited me to Chattanooga, Tennessee to live with him and marry. That went well for a while. He was determined I keep a job so I went to High Point, North Carolina and sold Kirby vacuums door to door. The situation there was not ideal and my mother came to get me. I moved back to Chattanooga with my boyfriend. I was not on medication and became pregnant in 1987. My boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion, but I was afraid I might never get pregnant again, and did not believe in abortion, so I fought for my baby. My boyfriend and I married, but he warned me it was a two-year trial marriage. Alex was born on May 16, 1988, and I devoted my life to him, and trying to please my husband. Before the two years were over my husband demanded a divorce. He would allow me to continue to live with him, but we would no longer be married. Alex and I went back to my parents’ home and the abuse began again. I had another mental breakdown including hospitalization and went back on medication for a short time.


I recovered enough to get a decent management job, and met my third husband. We lived in my parents’ basement, but most of the abuse stopped. I was overworked in my job and very sleep deprived. Eventually it led to my having a mental breakdown, at this point my diagnosis was changed to Schizo-Affective Disorder. My boss unfairly fired me terminating my excellent health and disability benefits. I was not able to go back to work. My parents moved to Douglas County, where my brother, James, lived. They left us to rent their house in Mableton with our payments going toward purchasing the house. We lived happily for quite a while, but in 1996 my nephew, Jim, was killed in a car accident, and my father died of an aneurism shortly afterward. I had been living without medication and the stress caused me to have problems. Our marriage fell apart, and I was again hospitalized. While the divorce was going on, I applied for Social Security Disability at the recommendation of my doctors. I finally began receiving benefits in 1997 after moving back with my Mom. I stayed on my medication and lived quite well. Alex and I were quite happy.


I continued to communicate with my third ex-husband and we recovered our relationship in 1999. Alex and I moved into his home. I became pregnant with twins and stopped taking my medication. The twins had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Melissa Faith died and the neo-natal doctors urged me to terminate Katherine Rose because there were extremely high risk factors for her and myself. In one of the hardest decisions I ever made, I chose to terminate the pregnancy. My mental state declined and I disobeyed a rule my ex had made. He kicked us out of the house and put all our belongings on the carport, subsequently those things were stolen. I over dosed on medication trying to kill myself because I felt there was no hope for me. I wound up in the hospital and was put back on medication. Alex and I tried living with my brother, Melvin, but that was a total disaster and I asked my Mom if we could come back to her home. She agreed.


Shortly after we moved in with her, Mom was stung by twenty-seven yellow jackets and she had a mini-stroke. Her health began to decline, she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, and she was restricted from driving because of the mini-strokes. I became her primary caregiver. My brother, James, was diagnosed with lung cancer. My brother, Melvin, learned my father had molested my nieces, my friend, and I. He and his wife, Carol, cut off all contact with my Mom and brother, James. They claim it is my Mom’s fault my father abused us. They declare she is just as guilty as he was. When I finally asked Mom if she knew my father had abused us, she said no. I believe my Mom because she has never been a liar. Carol continued to communicate with me by email, but I finally decided if they could no longer visit my Mom and James that I did not need to be in contact with them.


Thanks to my Mom and brother, James, I was able to raise Alex to become a fine young man. He is a United States Marine serving our country. James died on March 15, 2009 after a prolonged illness in which Mom and I provided a great deal of his care. I promised James I would take care of Mom and I intend to do it to the best of my ability.

I am very fortunate that I am controlled on medication right now. Even with it, I have some impairment, but it is not obvious in most interactions. I realize it, and am aware that I am having difficulties, but others may not.


Right now, there are things that are stressing me terribly. Without my Social Security Disability Income, Medicare, and medically needy Medicaid I could not survive. I am afraid of cuts to these programs. My Mom is seriously ill and experiencing a worsening of symptoms and effects right now, and as her full-time caregiver I am under a lot of stress. I had my last significant breakdown in April 2005 and for most with my condition the best case without one is five years, many are hospitalized at least every two years. I am therefore "living on borrowed time" so to speak. Stress and lack of sleep can push me over the edge, and I have had a bit of both going on recently.


I actually do some writing at times. There is a bit of my work posted in my notes on Facebook and more on my blog at www.hopefuljo.wordpress.com . I often think there is a book in me, but my self-esteem is not strong enough to support that kind of sustained effort. I have actually gotten to the point where most of my writing is done in 140 characters or less on Twitter and simultaneously posted to Facebook via TweetDeck. I also have some editing and publishing experience because I desktop published a magazine some years back.


I have a very strong faith in Jesus Christ and I credit that belief with getting me through much of the distress I have encountered in life. I, however, have difficulty with doing some things associated with faith. I am very uncomfortable in crowds, so I do not regularly attend church. I have a huge amount of paranoia and tend to persecute myself so reading scripture can cause me problems. I can become convinced I am going to Hell and have horrible nightmares. I have to be careful. I do study the Bible, but I have to do it in small bits and make sure I do not linger too long in the very negative passages.


I hope this gives some insight. I really do not know how to express these things very well. Until recently, I have been terribly afraid to discuss any of this. Some people have no empathy and cannot relate or understand and I do not like to stir up hate.


Always,
Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Monday, February 28, 2011

Some Random Things You May Not Know About Me…

1.   I love my steak medium rare.
2.   I could spend unlimited amounts of money on books and eBooks.
3.   I treat my puppy dog, Hope, as if she is my second child.
4.   I am a very good editor and once published a magazine.
5.   I love electronic gadgets: computers, iPods, BlackBerry cellphones, Nikon digital cameras, digital video cameras, and my Kindle.
6.   I collect so many things my room is overly cluttered.
7.   I love my son, Alex, so much that it is often overwhelming.
8.   I don’t believe in buying songs from iTunes, but always buy my music on CD.
9.   I am a perfectionist, not a good thing at all, as it keeps me from trying things at times.
10.  I am very loyal, trusting, and love my friends and family very deeply.
11.   I have a slow temper, but once I am angry I can hold a grudge for a long time.
12.  I sometimes have a very dirty mouth, usually when angry.
13.  I hate to cook, but am quite good at it.
14.  My favorite color is red.
15.  The Rolling Stones are my favorite Rock stars and I have seen them in concert twice.
16.  I watch very little television and find it very irritating.
17.  I am a Christian, but have moderate attitudes.
18.  I have never flown on an airplane.
19.  I am very good at entertaining myself and almost never become bored.
20. I take care of my 81 year old mother who has Parkinson’s Disease and other maladies.
21.  I believe all people have unlimited creativity and special talents.
22. I love art and can draw and paint a bit.
23. I almost always wear Nikes.
24. I have had the same email address over ten years.
25. Some people say I am a talented writer, but I have not written creatively in a while.

Friday, January 07, 2011

First Thankful List of 2011

I am thankful:
1.   I had a wonderful Christmas here at home with Mom.
2.  I took my BlackBerry Curve 8330 back to Sam’s Club because I was having many problems with it. Mom instead bought me the BlackBerry Curve 8530 from Best Buy. It is working much better for me. I do not worry about it all the time like I was doing with the other one.
3.  I got my Kindle for Christmas. I did not think I would like an e-reader a lot, but I absolutely love my Kindle. I am discovering and re-discovering many classics since I have the Kindle.
4.  Mom gave me $50.00 in a Kindle Store gift card and my niece, Leigh, gave me $25.00 in an Amazon gift card, so I have been able to buy content for my Kindle that is modern.
5.  Mom gave me $150.00 in Borders gift cards and my sister-in-law, Linda, gave $30.00 so I have been able to buy some excellent books. Especially love my Oxford American English Dictionary which I have been wanting for years. I bought some writing books as well, and a Borders Rewards Plus membership which will save me money all year. I still have around $32.00 to spend, so I may buy some eBooks to read on the computer, or more books from the store.
6. Alex sent me a teddy bear outfitted in Marine Corps fatigues with Mountz embroidered on the pocket just like his real uniforms.
7.  I am keeping a detailed calendar of what I do each day on my BlackBerry which transfers to Google calendar.
This helps me budget my time more wisely.
8.  I read 130 books in 2010. Most of them were very enjoyable and I learned a lot through my reading. My goal for 2011 is the same as last year: 120 or more books. However, I hope to write more during 2011 so that may effect how many books I can read. Writing is very time consuming.
9.  I went out to lunch with one of my friends from my old Sunday School class yesterday. It was very good re-connecting with her. I enjoyed our conversation a great deal.
10. I experienced a very blessed year in 2010 and am looking forward to a wonderful year in 2011. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by so much love. For all the drawbacks I face in life I am still a very happy person. Much good fills my days.