A Tribute To All Those We Have So Tragically Lost

At Great Cost

He was a decent student, bright,
A well-behaved and happy child,
He made his family very proud.

After graduation he said his goodbyes,
He went away to conquer strict training
And become his dream: A U.S. Marine.

He came home briefly in triumph
With his hard-won money to spend
And fulfilled his early promise.

His duty called him far away,
His family worried and prayed
Hoping always for his safety.

One day without warning, it happened,
Everything went horribly wrong,
He did not make it back from the field.

Every military family’s nightmare
An unexpected knock upon the door,
The news that he had sacrificed it all.

He wanted to serve his country
And he gave his lifeblood
A hero to keep us safe and free.

He stands with the angels now
Forever vigilantly watching over
Loved ones he suddenly left behind.

Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Somewhat Telling Poem

Regret to Victory

She called misfortune by writing
Her rancor out in a card for one
Who constant mistreated her love.

When he learned of her forbidden act
He turned cold, distant, and promptly
Cast her out from her home beside him.

She felt betrayed by life and chose
A bottle of lethally strong medication
To end the pain of living again alone.

Her child intervened and called
Unwanted help to save her from
The certain clutches of devouring death.

They took her away to the locked ward
Where bewildered people wander
Lost in thought separate from the world.

She recovered a modicum of herself,
But found her belongings scattered
Outdoors for scavengers to plunder.

She lost much that was irreplaceable
But she survived to raise her child
To the very pinnacle of manhood.

That brave boy became exemplary
Cheating death over and again
A United States Marine.

Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Where I Ponder My Choices

I finished reading Overbite by Meg Cabot this evening. It was a very good novel with an unexpected, but satisfying ending. I am trying to decide on a new book to begin. Perhaps I have too many to choose from because I cannot seem to make up my mind. I am 9 books behind on my goal of reading 120 this year. This is disappointing, but the goal is only a target, not something I must complete.


The new Kindles are to be released next month, but I think I am waiting a while before I purchase one. In fact, I am in a holding pattern on most electronics. I want to wait for the next operating system before I get a new computer. I want to get the next model Nikon when it first comes out. I want to see if the next generation of tablets and e-readers are better. I am content with my BlackBerry, although I am considering an Android or iPhone if plans and pricing come down. My iPods are sufficient for the time being.


It seems I am regressing to older technology lately. I am so taken with the books I purchased at Borders’ going out of business sale and those I borrow from the library that I am hardly using my Kindle 3. I have started writing with an ink pen rather than on my computer and am enjoying seeing words fill my notebooks.


This entry was written in my notebook and copied so that I might add it to my blog.


Hope all of you are doing well.


Always,
Jo Ann

My Recent Poems I Want To Share

September 22, 2011
The Surface Isn’t Real

When you see someone smiling,
You may not know they are
Hiding their pain.

When you think someone's lazy,
Because they don't work every day,
It may not be by personal choice.

When you laugh at someone,
Because they aren't as perfect as you,
You may not know how hard they try.

There are hidden afflictions
That you may not understand,
But that are devastatingly real.

Don't make the mistake of judgment
Without knowing the truth,
Because you could hurt someone deeply.

Try to be gentle, try to be kind,
Because some things are hidden
From the naked eye.

September 26, 2011
Indebted

You know you are loved when someone hugs and holds you tight.
You know someone cares when they give you something nice.
You know you are safe when your doors are locked tight.

Our military personnel get no gentle caresses.
They go without gifts on many special occasions.
The places where they rest may be very unsafe.

They give their lives to show you that you are loved.
Their service is a gift which no one can repay.
They keep you safe each and every day.

God Bless The Marines, The Army, The Navy,
The Air Force, and The National Guard.

Sunday, October 9, 2011
Buying Inspiration

School supplies are not strictly
Necessary to my life anymore,
Yet every year I frequent the sales
That herald Back to School.

I visit the overstuffed shelves
Of brightly colored notebooks,
My eyes searching out attractive
Covers to bind my poetic words.

I linger over the place where
The pens and pencils are displayed,
Hoping to find a writing implement
That might spur my muse to activity.

I am the one strolling the aisles
Wishing some simple purchase
Might rekindle the imagination
I so blithely enjoyed as a youth.

Sunday, October 9, 2011
Praise to Him

He set the sun, moon, and stars
In motion and brought our world to life.
Yet He hears when I am crying
And cares enough to save my soul.

Some think me insignificant
But He died to set me free.
He knows when I am hurting and comes near
Even though many others have forsaken me.

He loves me without condition
Although some of my words and actions
Surely make Him very sad.
Even when I am bad, He stands by me.

He is my Maker and the Author of Eternity
I owe Him all my love and allegiance
For He has given me constant access
To all the glories He stored up for me.

From the beginning, He knew me
And loved me without reservation.
My friend, my Savior, Jesus Christ
Will never give me up for I am His.

I will rejoice with the saints and angels
For I am bought at great price
The King of Kings sacrificed Himself
That I might one day meet Him in Paradise.

Monday, October 10, 2011
Unleash Poetry

If you wish to write a poem
Gather your favorite notebook and pen,
Or open a document on your computer,
In a comfortable place of relative peace.

Do not over think and confound
Your muse, but try to catch your
Wayward thoughts on the open page.
Simplicity pays dividends in words.

You do not have to be experienced;
Anyone can shape words to the form
Of attractive verse, it only takes
A bit of earnest effort and dedication.

You are by nature creatively gifted,
Able to write with individual depth
And intense personal clarity,
You are a poet by virtue of birth.

Open your inmost heart and harness
The power of your infinite imagination,
Allow your words to flow in a torrent
And make a poem out of your life.

Monday, October 10, 2011
Time Occupied

Make no mistake my day is not
A honeymoon infused with the scent
Of Water Babies suntan lotion
Where lulling in the drowsy warmth
Of the vacation bright sun is acceptable.

This day began with the annoying blare
Of the alarm I so carelessly forgot
To reset yesterday to my great dismay,
But that is fine, I need only have
Scarce hours of sleep anyway.

The gooey sweet taste of warm Moon Pie
Brought me out of my enduring stupor.
The smooth texture of computer keys
Affording me the timely information
I need to choose the path of my day.

I am not alone, but the constant drone
Of my mother’s television is no company.
Soft curling fur under my fingers eases
My weary mind from its preoccupation
With the daunting problems facing me.

Pulling apt words out of nothing
To form into efficient lines on
Crisp blank paper is a worthy task
Requiring difficult effort which
Ultimately brings refreshing satisfaction.

My Fortunate Life

I just completed reading The Memory Palace by Mira Bartok which was a very good memoir written by the daughter of a Schizophrenic. The lives depicted in the book were devastated by the disease.

In 1981 I was diagnosed with severe Paranoid Schizophrenia. Over the years I was hospitalized several times and lived with and without medication. My diagnosis was changed to Schizo-Affective Disorder in more recent years. I have been fortunate enough to have family who stepped in to help me whenever I was unable to care for myself. There were times I completely lost my sense of reality, but my family acted as advocates to get me the care I needed to return to productive life. Had my mother, in particular, not stood beside me when I was debilitated by my disease, I would have probably become homeless and possibly would have died.

I managed to raise my son to become a wonderful young man. He is now a United States Marine. His childhood was mostly a happy one. There were several times I became briefly incapacitated, but for the majority of the time I was an active parent.

Now I am caregiver to my mother who has Parkinson’s Disease and other serious health issues. I am honored to be a help to my Mom who has so kindly helped me through the years.

Every day is a challenge, because even on medication, my mind does not function like that of a disease free person. There are times when I must concentrate extremely hard to maintain focus. There are moments when I fight irrational fears. I have difficulty believing in myself. At times it is very tempting to stop taking my medication, because it does somewhat stifle my creativity and expressiveness.

I thank God I have been able to live as productive and happy a life as I have.

Notes on my 30 Year High School Class Reunion

A portion of the Pebblebrook High School Class of 1981 met last night for our thirty year class reunion. It was held in Douglasville so I did not have to travel far and the venue was beautiful. The reunion committee did a wonderful job of arranging the event and the attendance was good. I enjoyed seeing so many people from my past. Many gave me a warm welcome, which was very nice. The hugs and kind words were sweet. I was so nervous, but everything worked out well. I wish I could see these friends of mine more often. I carried my Nikon and was able to take some photographs. I would have liked to snap everyone’s picture, but it did not work out that way. I won one of the prizes: a $25.00 Visa gift card that I can use anywhere. I have not decided what I will do with the gift, but it is so nice that I won. Everyone looked marvelous and seemed so happy, I am very glad I chose to go. There were faces missing that I would have liked to see, but it was a joy seeing those who were there. Overall a fabulous evening spent with some of the best people in the world.

Always,
Jo Ann

Mom took my photo before I left for the evening.

Thankful Thursday and Thoughts–September 8, 2011

I am thankful:

1.   Mom and I had an enjoyable lunch at Hudson’s Barbecue while we were out to run errands yesterday.
2.   Penny is doing well on the medicine the veterinarian changed.
3.   I have read some excellent books recently.
4.   I archived some of the free eBooks on my Kindle, and with the memory freed the device is working much better.
5.   Alex and I chatted a few nights ago and he seemed to be doing well.
6.   The temperature was a bit cooler, so Hope and I walked a mile last evening.
7.   I have been cooking more, and Mom seems to really enjoy it. I still hate to cook, but it is nice to make her happy.
8.   The recent storms have passed us by without any damage.
9.   Jeremy fixed the air conditioner on my Buick.
10.  I cleaned out all the freezers, so there is only good food inside.

I have been trying to stay home as much as possible because going into town has been making me very nervous since my niece, Leigh, and her family had their van stolen. I know they were in a different city, and that Washington, D.C. is a high crime area, but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that something bad might happen while I am out. I am more comfortable at home on the average day.

I managed to buy some books and bookmarks at Borders’ going out of business sale. I would have liked it more if I had had more money to spend, but some is better than none. I am so disappointed that my favorite bookstore is ceasing to exist. I suppose Amazon will get my business from now on because there is no nearby physical bookstore. Thankfully a new library is opening near here soon. I read many more library books than books I own. Reading is an expensive habit without library books. The free eBooks on Kindle give me lots of reading material too. One thing I really must begin to do is leave a book if it doesn’t interest me and stop plodding through books just because I started them.

I am planning on going to my thirty year class reunion this month, but am a little hesitant about it. School was not such a pleasant thing for me because I was bullied, though I do have some good memories on the academic side. I have always enjoyed learning. I hope this reunion is better than the ten year one I attended.

Laura, my daughter-in-law, found a puppy. She seems totally taken with Luna who is a black Lab mix. I think with all the attention she is giving the puppy that it should turn out to be a fine dog. I have no doubt Luna will be just as spoiled as my Hope.

I have not been paying much attention to my creative side. I fail to write, I fail to draw, and I fail to paint. Somehow I need to get back to those things, but my enjoyment of reading seems to hold me captive. There should be a balance, where I create and I read, but that does not seem to happen. At least I am not hooked on television. Computers, yes, books, yes, but those things give me some hope that I can be reunited with my creative side. I should really come here and blog more often, but I have little incentive. I often feel I am only talking to myself, and I can do that in my head without all the effort of typing out the thoughts and making them sensible. I manage to post on Twitter and Facebook quite often via TweetDeck, but even that seems futile at times. One day I am going to make a collection of my best Twitter posts and bring them here. I think some of them are quite erudite.

I hope all of you are doing well and living happily. I am happy in my life be it ever so simple.

Always,
Jo Ann

Update and Thankful List - Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Much has happened since I last updated here. My son Alex spent a little more than a month here at home with us. It was good to have him home, but it was also hectic. On Saturday, July 2, 2011 Alex married Laura-Ann Coale. The wedding ceremony was beautiful and I am so happy to have gained a wonderful daughter-in-law. I hope and pray that God will richly bless their marriage. I was kept busy with helping to arrange the event and keeping the household running. Alex left for Japan, where he will be stationed for three years, on July 8th. We have not had much communication since then. I am hoping we will begin to communicate more as he settles into life there.

I am thankful:

1.   Alex and Laura had a beautiful wedding.
2.   They were able to get away for a short honeymoon.
3.   Mom and I were able to be at the wedding, and help make things work out well.
4.   Laura has been working on our back porch and is going to stain it and the ramp.
5.   I re-learned how to use the DVD player and have watched a concert with Mom.
6.   I have been cooking more, even though I still hate cooking.
7.   I have had some awesome books to read.
8.   The lilies finally bloomed and I got some beautiful pictures.
9.   Alex gave me an iPod Touch 64GB.
10.  The dogs were groomed last Wednesday and look adorable.

Mom had a bad day Friday, and was very sick. She is doing better now.

I have been very concerned about the drama playing out in Washington and am quite convinced that our politicians have lost touch with the American people. I do not believe they have our best interests at heart. I may be very economically challenged, but I still vote, and the incumbents in the House and Senate will not have my vote in the upcoming election. This idiocy has caused much stress for me and I will remember. When the livelihoods of myself and a significant portion of my family are threatened because of governmental mismanagement, I notice. I am quite fed up with legislators who believe they are immune to any ill effects of the decisions they make. There needs to be some consideration for the people of this nation, and if not, the government needs changing.

I am very sad that Borders is going out of business since they have been the dominant bookstore in my life for most of my life. I suppose that Amazon will gain the majority of my business in the future since they have much better prices than any other bookstore I can name. I thank God for my local public library, because in reality, most of the books I read come from there.

Hope goes for her annual exam this month. I am hoping the veterinarian does not find her overweight. She is bigger than Mom’s two Shih Tzu.

My sleep schedule has changed a bit. I now stay up very late, like 2am and 3am. I sleep in very late as well. It gives me some quiet time to read and compute without the distraction of the television which Mom runs a great deal when she is awake.

Life goes on. I hope things are going well for all of you.

Always,
Jo Ann 

Thankful List–Friday, June 3, 2011

I am thankful:

1.   Mom was able to go to town with me today.
2.   We completed out shopping without any problems.
3.   My book, Poetry Writing by Fiona Sampson arrived in the mail from Borders.com.
4.   I bought a pretty journal at Wal-Mart and a leather bound blank book at Sam’s Club. Both were inexpensive.
5.   I was able to order a new insurance card for Mom when I called to pay my premium with AARP.
6.   I unloaded the truck after our trip to town in two stages so I did not overheat. It was 103 degrees today.
7.   The books that were mutilated in shipping look as if sitting heavy volumes on them is going to straighten out the covers and pages. Maybe I will not have to return them after all.
8.   We ate lunch at Wendy’s and Mom paid for my meal.
9.   I have plenty of books and e-Books to read.
10.  Jeremy is going to send someone to check out our air conditioner because it is not keeping the house cooled to the temperature set on the thermostat.

Always,
Jo Ann

Thankful Thursday–June 2, 2011

I am thankful:

1.   Air conditioning keeps the house livable in the scorching heat.
2.   Two of the books I had ordered from Borders.com arrived. I am not sure I am keeping them because they were mutilated in shipping, but at least they finally came. I am a stickler for perfect books.
3.   We are staying home today.
4.   I am cooking sirloin steaks with broccoli rice au gratin and sweet peas with pearl onions and mushrooms for supper. We will have lemon meringue pie for dessert.
5.   I remembered to remove my bookmarks when I had to return some books that were on hold at the library.
6.   Penny felt feisty enough to bark at Ko-Ko earlier today. Penny is a thirteen year old Shih Tzu and Ko-Ko is an irritating two year old of the same breed.
7.   There have been no thunderstorms for a week or more. However, I wish God would see fit to send us some good soaking rains. The plants are suffering.
8.   I have decided to put off purchasing a new computer for some time. I may attempt upgrading this laptop to Windows 7, since I have the disk and everything.
9.   I am not in quite so black a mood.
10.  Writing out thankful lists seems to make me feel somewhat better.

Always,
Jo Ann

Thankful List–Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Another list to help me look at the brighter side of things and possibly leave my negativity behind. Yesterday was a little better after writing out some things for which I was thankful.

I am thankful:

1. Alex and Laura are gone for a few days.
2. I found some interesting books at the library yesterday.
3. We do not have any appointments scheduled for the rest of the week.
4. I have my BlackBerry to keep me connected on the go.
5. Alex trimmed some of the bushes.
6. Alex patched the roof on the barn.
7. The pen I bought at Michael’s after Easter writes very well.
8. Yesterday I bought a nice journal at Wal-Mart and another at Sam’s Club.
9. Jenna came and got her graduation presents. She appreciated what we gave her.
10. I will have some money when Friday comes.

Always,
Jo Ann

Thankful List - Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I really need to do this right now because I am in a very negative mind space. I am not sure I can come up with ten positive things but I am going to try.

I am thankful:

1. Mom’s diagnostic mammogram showed there was nothing wrong.
2. My dog, Hope, is always faithful and loving.
3. I have a working computer.
4. I have internet access.
5. Libraries have books I can borrow.
6. I have a home that provides shelter for me.
7. I have food to eat.
8. I have fresh water to drink, cook with, and bathe in.
9. I have a creative mind.
10. I have friends who do not desert me when I am sad.

I managed to write this out. Maybe I should do it several days in a row to encourage a better mood. Something has to change or I am going to wind up having to go for counseling despite my lack of funds.

Always,
Jo Ann

When I Am At A Crossroads, I…

When I am at a crossroads, I look both ways before crossing. This includes looking backward into the past, and forward toward the possibilities of the future. I try to base present decisions on the consequences I have experienced from past choices. Sometimes I can only hope that things will improve in the future. I know that the present is only temporary, but some of its happenings are causing wonder about how things will turn out. Moment by moment I navigate the storms that batter me without a reliable global positioning system. I have no conception of where I will end up, but am terribly afraid it will be in a bad situation. I just hope my new circumstances allow internet connection so I can stay in contact with the outside world, which helps ground me. I need my friends for support, and most of them only interact with me in the cyber-world. This is not most beneficial. Eye contact and vocal communication add much to conversation that text fails to convey. However, Facebook, Twitter, and the email group Journal Writing are better than isolation.

Always,
Jo Ann

Incompetence Rules

One expects great care
Dealing with professionals,
Sadly mistaken.

Diligence lacking
Most tasks are carelessly done,
Mistakes often made.

Such outrageous costs
For inferior service,
Must still fully pay.

The price quite absurd,
Total incompetence rules
Our society.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Wednesday, May 25, 2011

To the Survivors of Tornadoes 2011

After the awful storms were over,
The terrible devastation complete,
Little was left unscathed, intact.

Many were lost to the storms’ treachery,
For those copious tears continually fall
And survivors will always be left to grieve.

Those graciously spared said grateful prayers
Just fervently thankful to still be there
To hold close a loved one so very dear.

Even though their homes were gone,
They stood up proud and strong
Determined to continue, carry on.

They fought to put their lives back
In some semblance of together
And others came to lend them aid.

So many brave, battered souls
Lifted up by millions of prayers,
God be with them, always there.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I Am Fragile, Weak

My psychiatrist says I must now
See him every three months
So he can vigilantly observe me
Because I came nearly apart again.

The stress to which I am currently subjected
Is somewhat beyond my ordinary safety limit.
I worry about Mom obsessively and constantly,
I cannot distance myself from her plight.

I have full responsibility for care of Mom
And everything else, which is maintained here.
There is no one stepping in to render aid,
It is do-it-myself or leave it completely undone.

I am capable, and can perform most tasks
As long as no one looks too closely or asks,
“How are you doing?” I answer, “Very well.”
I will not let down my habitual trusted mask.

Underneath the well-worn façade I realize
There are cracks in my courage, my resolve,
I barely hold on to my placid existence:
I live in total abject horror of Mom’s passing.

My friends who pay close attention may
Have some awareness of my fragility,
But my family does not recognize
How very desperate I sometimes am.

I must toughen up and stand firm
For the situation will not get better
Mom’s deterioration is hastening along,
I promised to care for her, and I will.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Half My Life Is Gone, And I Have Given

Many days I have spent in deep despair
Because the love I wanted was not there
Within the heart of him I desired, so dear.

Many days I have tried to please
Someone or other who only teased
With words and actions at their ease.

Many days I have gone to great length
To show my character possesses strength
With little success, or so others might think.

Many days I have spent wandering inside
The creations of writer’s minds outside
The reality where I must truly reside.

Many days I have tried to inspire
Myself or someone else to enquire
Into the depths of creativity’s empire.

Many days I have gone beyond myself
Trying to help another achieve for themselves
What I could not seem to do by myself.

Many days and countless hours, I have spent
Hoping that I might somehow repent
For wasted time that others may resent.

Many days I have tried to finally accomplish
Some worthy work to fulfill my lifelong wish
To do something perfectly and actually finish.

Many days I have gone alone to bed
With silly dreams of victory in my head
For deeds undone and words left unsaid.

© Jo Ann J.A. Jordan
Monday, May 23, 2011

Come To Me In The Silence Of The Night

After my mother has gone to bed,
When the television is turned off
And I can think, clearly and completely.

We will create something wondrous,
A poem or story the world has not seen
A hint of at any other given time.

Come to me when I can fully relax,
Give myself over to my imagination
With no qualms about Mom’s neglect.

Come muse, infuse me with passion,
Give over my will to the flow of words,
Create something fabulous in my mind.

Never torment me by eluding my effort
Give me the words I need without pause
For I am enslaved, enthralled, in your service.

After all the errands are finally run
When the world is drifting into slumber
And I can devote all my energy, totally.

We will endeavor to capture the exact word,
A noun, adjective, or verb as yet unheard
By the unsuspecting, unready world.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Sunday, May 22, 2011

Haiku – Saturday, May 21, 2011 – Early Morning

My Mom is not well
I struggle to aid her health,
The days are fleeting.

My Kindle woos me
With an abundance of words,
I read at leisure.

I adore reading,
But writing is my true work...
Must apply effort.

If world is ending
I will not complete my work,
So much left undone.

Many predictions
None yet have ever come true,
Only God knows time.

After all this time
My love has barely faded,
You still have my heart.

Coming into day
With great anticipation
To accomplish much.

Memory may fade
But moments are still treasured
As each passes by.

We killed the head,
The body still organizes
Preparing to strike.

A child is a gift
A responsibility
Treasured forever.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

I Am Afraid…

Mom’s health is deteriorating. She is having more problems all the time. I am doing my best to care for her, but I have no control over systems in her body that are malfunctioning. I monitor and report to her doctors. They do not have the answers either. We are fighting a war we cannot win against an opponent all who live must face, aging. Eventually living catches up with us and we begin to wear out. Death comes steadily closer in an inevitable march.

Tuesday, we both had mammograms. Mine was fine. They found something suspicious on the left side in Mom’s results. She has to have another mammogram next Tuesday. I know it may be as simple as a shadow, but I am worried. What will I do if there is something wrong? How will I face it?

Her blood pressure has been uncontrollable. Sometimes it is very high, sometimes it is very low. I monitor it, but I cannot regulate it.
The Parkinson’s disease is progressing; the weakness and trembling are getting worse. I cannot make it go away.

Her memory is failing. There are things she just does not hold in her mind anymore. I try to keep up with everything, but what of the things she knew that I never learned?

I try my best to care for her, but nothing I do is making things better. I hate watching her get worse, but I cannot stop the hands of time.

I still need my mother, without her things will be so much more difficult for me. I will have to go without the things she helps me have. I will have no one to listen to my uncontrolled rants. I will have no one to share my fears. I will have no one to cheer me when I have no will to carry on. No one cares for me so much or so unconditionally. Who will face my insanity with me and help me back to reality? Who will talk to me, anytime? Who will bring me a present, just because? I do not think I can face life without her. How do I prepare to lose her? Can I really face days alone?

I am afraid… I know I am strong, but I am also very weak. I am used to her support, she is always there holding me in her love. How will I survive?

God is with us always, but sometimes God seems impersonal and far away. Mom can hold me in her arms, God cannot, not physically. How do I live without hugs and smiles?

I pray she is here longer, because I love Mom so much, but I also pray she has to suffer very little. I cannot hold her to this life when she is very uncomfortable here.

What am I to do? I am terrified…

Always,
Jo Ann